Even though these things are all true about me, I still believe in chivalry. I believe men should honor women, treat them with respect, and serve them with kindness. (But yes, I do believe this goes both ways. Women should honor, respect, and serve men)
As I've been processing some thoughts on men, women, and the way we should interact with one another, I've come to realize that chivalry is not what it used to be. Chivalry, to many men, still means being the breadwinner. It means doing all the heavy work. It means refusing to let a woman open her own car door. Yes, many of these men do these things believing that they are honoring women. They believe the actions and attitudes they present are respectful and make women feel treasured. For many women, such as myself, this form chivalry is actually demeaning. This is an antiquated, out of date form of chivalry.
A few weeks ago, some friends were in town visiting Nate and me. Through the course of our conversation, one of them expressed that he would not be comfortable if the woman he someday marries had a better paying job than him. He believes that being the breadwinner and letting his wife stay home would honor her. His heart was in the right place. I, being the push-people-out-of-the-conventional-box person that I am, started prodding. I asked him how he would feel if his wife was a successful doctor. What if she loved her job, wasn't doing it for the money, and didn't want to stay home? He definitely doesn't make a doctor's salary so she would be making quite a bit more than him. Our friend hemmed and hawed and basically decided he just wasn't going to marry a doctor.
Now, don't get me wrong, some women (myself included) are incredibly thankful for husbands who are in support of their wives being stay-at-home moms. I can't wait for Nate to graduate school so we can start our family and I can (hopefully) stay home with our children. Although I don't believe that is a "woman's job" that's the job I've desired since as long as I can remember.
The thing is, we just can't pigeon hole all women. Men need to realize that women come with all kinds of different desires, dreams, and goals. Women are capable of doing things that may seem "un-womanly" to those who hold to conventional gender roles. Chivalry has to change.
Men -
- Hold the door open for a woman but don't be offended if she holds the door open for you.
- Ask your girlfriend/fiance/wife what her goals in life are and help her pursue them.
- Let the women in your life hammer nails into the wall to hang picture frames, change the oil in the car, mow the lawn, or whatever other "man's work" she is capable and/or desirous of doing.
- Offer to cook, change diapers, vacuum the floor, or whatever other "woman's work" that you are capable and/or desirous of doing.
PS. Don't even get me started on men who just don't respect, honor, and serve women or women who don't respect, honor, and serve men. That would end up being an anger filled, ranting kind of post. Just ask one of my coworkers how I responded when a patient's ring back tone was the country song "Titties and Beer." Yeah, to put it lightly, I wasn't a fan.
"Men need to realize that women come with all kinds of different desires, dreams, and goals." <-- Amen to this. And it goes both ways. I think the single biggest problem with relationships and marriage is that people think all men/women are the same, and they try to make their partners happy based on stereotypes.
ReplyDeleteThere are some sad cases where men want to do chivalrous things, such as holding a door open, and the woman yells at them for it - feeling as if her independence is not being respected.
I don't know if you ever watched the show "Home Improvement" (it was on in the '90s, but there are still re-runs on many channels), but there was an episode where the mom, Jill, was furious about one of the teenager sons, Brad, letting his girlfriend do his laundry and make sandwiches for him. The episode basically implied that a woman *shouldn't* be making a sandwich for a man. I do disagree with this attitude. Saying that anyone can or can't do something, because of their gender, is wrong.
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ReplyDeleteYes! Thank you for posting this. I think your perspective as someone who is pro women's rights and would like to be a stay at home mamma is such a valuable one :)
ReplyDeleteI think it's chivalrous when a guy gives up his seat for me on the bus. :-) Thanks for sharing your perspective, and good for you for making people look outside the box!
ReplyDeleteI love this! I'm with you, I'm all about equality and not always following gender norms. But also like you, that I still hope to be able to stay at home with the (future) kiddos for some time... Only time will tell!
ReplyDeleteI am very much with you on this. At times I do feel a little pampering is much deserved but I do find it demeaning when a guy won't even let me be independent and do things for myself. I think respecting a woman and honoring her goes far beyond just holding a door open for her, it is about helping her grow into the person she wishes to be and helping each other grow together not just as a couple but as individuals.
ReplyDeletePREACH!!! I agree... I think men who are scurred of women making more money than them are insecure. Luckily my hubs is very secure, and totally inspired to be a stay at home dad if things happened that way!
ReplyDeleteI 100% agree with this post!
ReplyDeleteI think--and based on the tone of your post, it seems as if you would agree--the good parts of "chivalry" are just basic politeness. Everyone should hold the door open when someone is following close behind them, as an easy example. It's just nice whether your a guy or woman.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Maryl, I think there's just a polite way to do things, no matter who it is.
ReplyDeleteGreat post. I definitely agree with you.
ReplyDeleteThis was a fun read! I love that my man does everything for the kids that I do. So glad a Dad's role has changed so much in the past few years!!!
ReplyDeletemy greatest desire is to be a stay-at-home wifey and mommy after i get married. great thoughts!
ReplyDeletexo
purposelyathome.blogspot.com
I think we are in similar boats. My husband is still trekking away in graduate school, too. I make more money than him, but I also love my job!
ReplyDeleteThe conventions and stereotypes are absolutely changing.
Unfortunately I think we are embedded with stereotypes as young children. By ages 3-4 kids already have an (influenced) opinion about gender-specific colors, toys and jobs!
I think because the majority of society are raised this way they grow up with certain ideas about what is expected of them. In this case, men would feel inferior if they felt they couldn't 'provide' for their spouse. It's definitely time to change these feelings as the times are changing. Great post!
<3alyssa
My husband has always said he'd love it if I ended up making a better income than he does. Seeing as my passion is writing and he's a nurse...I think that's highly unlikely. But if it turns out that way, he won't stand in the way. And if I never make a cent, I know he would uncomplainingly support our family throughout his life. Personally, though, I enjoy the service part of chivalry very much. I'm small--and the muscular work that is easy for my husband or other men in my family is nearly impossible for me, so I'm happy to let them take care of me when they are willing to step up. My uncle helped me get my car unstuck from a snowbank last week because I couldn't do it on my own--and man, I was definitely glad for chivalry, that day! I believe that each person should use the gifts and skills and passions they've been given to serve others--not necessarily based on gender.
ReplyDeleteI love this! I love how you focused on chivalry as a function of specific values—respect, honor, service. I think this is so true! Our good deeds and actions do not come from a list of do's or don'ts.... they come from a heart that is in the right place and values that are godly. That means the actions can change depending on who and what, but the heart behind it is still the same. Very good insight! Thank you for sharing! :)
ReplyDeleteamen sister! I love this post. I too have some strong willed--ness in me..so it's refreshing when a man isn't too macho or stuck in his "i am a man, what i say goes" kind of attitude but actually respects a woman's opinions. I do believe in chivalry though and find it sexy! lol
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